‘On the couch’ with Jasminda

DEAR Jasminda,

AFTER a couple of weeks away, my husband and I have realised that we get along much better when we are away from home.

Our relationship improved, we both relaxed for the first time in a long time, and it became apparent that we are soft touches and often feel that others take advantage of that at work and in our personal lives.

How do we keep on this trajectory now we are back?

Belinda R.

Dear Belinda,

This is a challenging situation to be in, but no doubt one of your own creation, so only you can fix it. Also, remember that when you were away from home, you weren’t burdened by work commitments, you probably weren’t cooking your own meals, you were calm from doing complimentary yoga classes facilitated by a very flexible Argentinian, you were no doubt drinking poolside Negronis every afternoon, and you were returning from a day out to a freshly made bed and replenished beverages. It can definitely be hard to make the transition home after a holiday.

It’s also why people frequently look at real estate during their time away because they are viewing life through rose-coloured glasses.

Despite those considerations, it sounds to me as though you and your husband have spent a long time being ‘fixers’ just like Christopher Pyne, but without his impressive pay packet and lifetime parliamentary perks.

It’s natural for some people to step into fixer roles, and it is actually a really positive quality, but not when it is taken advantage of.

Reading between the lines, I feel you aren’t good at setting boundaries.

I don’t mean like a 10-foot fence (though that could work as well) but you need to discuss what you’re willing to accept, what you aren’t, and also let those who will be impacted know too.
Often work colleagues and family members have just gotten used to the status quo of you taking charge.

If you put some parameters around work and family situations, everyone will be on the same page and miscommunication won’t result in hostility.

Are you a couple that finds it hard to say no?

This is something you can practice, so when the situation arises, you’ll be prepared, otherwise it can be easy to fall back into bad habits and that’s not good for anyone’s personal growth.

As an example, a staff member may want to have two weeks off when the roster has already been prepared.

If, in the past, you’ve made adjustments whenever staff want changes, this has become an expected behaviour for you and them.

Going forward, you could put out a roster policy which preempts any last-minute changes.

You could, for example, get the staff member to organise a staff swap with a similarly qualified colleague to be approved by you three days in advance, put a limit on the number of roster changes, or only allow changes when they are accompanied by a medical or other urgent reason with paperwork to support this.

Alternatively, you and your husband should sell up your assets, wind back or redirect your business, buy a retro camper, and drive off into the sunset, leaving them all to it.

Carpe diem,
Jasminda.